


remember when you taught me fate (said it'd all be worth the wait?)

by hwaslintroller, moontaekoos, strawberrymarss



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24859729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwaslintroller/pseuds/hwaslintroller, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moontaekoos/pseuds/moontaekoos, https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrymarss/pseuds/strawberrymarss
Summary: ‘Hongjoong,’ Seonghwa says, blinking. ‘You’re- you’re back.’‘Yeah,’ Hongjoong says, smiles. ‘Got bored of the city.’‘Oh,’ Seonghwa says, intelligently. Then, ‘How have you been?’How have you been, he thinks desperately. How have you been, Hongjoong, after ten years? How have you been selling out concert arenas and winning countless prestigious awards for your works? How have you been, after you broke my heart so hard, it doesn’t even feel like one anymore?Seonghwa runs an old music shop. He talks about his relationship with Kim Hongjoong in past tense- that is, until Hongjoong comes back, ten years later.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 11
Kudos: 132





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on twitter [here.](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller/status/1264571992532856832) this is the brainchild all three of us worked hard to come up with, and has a very special place in our hearts. we hope you enjoy!

You’d think at this day and age that old-timey vinyls and tapes would be long dead and forgotten, but Seonghwa believes otherwise. The rustic nostalgia can take whatever memories you hold dear and freeze them for safekeeping, right until you’re ready to move on or to relive them.

Seonghwa is thankful for his comfy little music shop. It feels like home, and it gives him a profound sense of comfort that he never felt elsewhere. It also gives him space to think and be himself. A luxury, if you ask.

It’s during lazy days like this that Seonghwa found his thoughts straying beyond the present. His friends often tease him that he looks intimidating without even knowing it. But a little stern gaze never killed nobody, so life goes on.

One of Seonghwa’s favourite tasks during store hours is to reorganize the records display over and over again. It doesn’t matter how many times he’s already done it this week, there’s always one or two stray pieces shoved in sections they shouldn’t be in.

The soft sound of chimes filled the charming little store, informing Seonghwa that someone has graced him a visit today.

Being from an old sleepy town means that everyone knew everyone, and this time of day usually meant that his regulars would come and scour through his archives for some undiscovered gem. They usually know their way around, so Seonghwa wouldn’t assist them unless they asked him to.

“Wow, so you’re still open, huh?” A familiar voice sliced through the air, and Seonghwa had to plead his hands not to drop the record he was holding.

He steeled himself. Of course it couldn’t be him. He’d turn around and it wouldn’t be him.

3… 2… 1.

“Hi, Seonghwa. It’s been a while.”

And there he was, standing at the middle of the same record shop that froze their memories through time. With the same fiery eyes that made Seonghwa’s heart ache with familiarity.

Seonghwa’s brain was swimming with the things he wanted to say and to ask Hongjoong, but all that came out of his lips is a nervous giggle.

“I can’t believe this store is still here, it’s like nothing changed.”

And Hongjoong is right. In more ways than Seonghwa cared to admit.

-  
‘Hongjoong,’ Seonghwa says, blinking. ‘You’re- you’re back.’

‘Yeah,’ and there’s a shift in demeanour, Hongjoong moving through the racks of records until he reaches Seonghwa. He leans against the counter as Seonghwa stares. ‘Got bored of the city.’

‘Oh,’ Seonghwa forces himself to say. ‘Oh- that’s nice,’ he concludes lamely, gently putting down the vinyl in his hands- he’s not sure he won’t crush it, with how hard his fists are clenching. ‘How have you been?’

_How have you been, he thinks desperately. How have you been, Hongjoong, after ten years? How have you been selling out concert arenas and winning countless prestigious awards for your works? How have you been, after you broke my heart so hard, it doesn’t even feel like one anymore? Just an empty shell?_

‘Fine,’ Hongjoong says, on autopilot, before catching himself and tucking a piece of hair behind his ear, laughing slightly. ‘Sorry, it’s just- the interviewers ask that a lot, you know. Then they ask me about my newest album, or my rumoured girlfriends- you know the drill.’

‘Yeah,’ Seonghwa says, stomach curling because he doesn’t know the drill. ‘Yeah, I get it.’ He can’t help but notice that Hongjoong has an accent, now- something more drawling than the militant, harsh tones of the country. _God, what the fuck is happening._

‘Yeah,’ Hongjoong repeats, wide eyes looking at Seonghwa in a way- in a way that makes Seonghwa walk over to the cash register, tidying the bills inside just to have something to do with his hands. ‘I guess, I’m doing alright. And you?’

Seonghwa feels the question like a slap to the face. _And you? Oh, nothing much, just rotting in this tiny shop, pining over you, it doesn’t hurt, not much anyway._

But Seonghwa is long past the years when he was brash and angry and insensitive, so he just swallows the lump in his throat and goes, ‘Really, just- running this shop, helping out my brother in the orchard. I moved out,’ he adds. ‘Father left me a house on the other side of town when he passed.’

‘Oh,’ Hongjoong says, stricken. ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘It’s alright,’ and Seonghwa wonders why in hell are they having this conversation, even, when Hongjoong had spat and called his father a homophobe before he left. ‘I was surprised he left me in the will, so.’

Hongjoong hums, fingers coming up to play with his piercings. Then he smiles, mouth curling up at one corner, looking up at Seonghwa through his eyelashes. Something inside Seonghwa’s brain topples. ‘It’s good to see you again, Seonghwa.’

‘Yeah,’ Seonghwa hears himself say. ‘Yeah, it is.’

-

Seonghwa fidgets slightly behind the counter as he tries his best to stop his eyes from constantly following Hongjoong’s frame roaming the music store’s shelves.

The way the shy rays of the setting sun seep into the store through the wide windows, and the way the golden light hits Hongjoong’s face,which now grew sharper with time, making the smaller look more ethereal than he already is, are _painfully_ familiar, like he is again hovering around the music magazine shelves near the counter ten years ago, pretending as if he isn’t blatantly staring and taking in every detail of Hongjoong’s otherworldly beauty from behind an open magazine he barely pays attention to as the other wanders the store.

From the start, Seonghwa has always been captivated by Hongjoong’s beauty, and now seeing him again after so long sparks again a fire almost snuffed out in his chest, and tears prick his eyes as he spirals back into memories they shared.

It really has been ten years, huh? A decade of Seonghwa never fully forgetting Hongjoong, regretting his every word and action, a decade of Seonghwa having similar dreams of him running after Hongjoong’s back turned to him just out of reach, a decade of Seonghwa wishing he could turn back time and somehow fix whatever went wrong back then. A decade of Seonghwa never really getting over his feelings and staying hopelessly in love with Hongjoong, who probably never returned the romantic part of his feelings, and yearning for his lost half who ventured too far out of his reach into the big, blinding neon lights of the city, his lost half who he is sure is irreplaceable.

‘Strawberries and Cigarettes’, a song they had claimed to be theirs, back when everything was fine and the future was him and Hongjoong against the world, hand in hand, even if Seonghwa saw it as them standing by each other as more than just friends, and didn’t know if Hongjoong saw it the same as him, starts to play in the background and Seonghwa curses internally at the timing.

 _‘How foolish of them, how foolish of him,’_ he thinks, as the mellow, melancholic yet haunting voice of the singer enters his ears, like a ghostly hand taking his own and leading him down the memory lane.

But, he doesn’t blame his past self, people that age are often led astray by pipe dreams of a life with whoever they are currently infatuated with, so high on the warmth of another’s hand in theirs that they don’t see the dark hole in front of them before it’s too late.

Hongjoong had walked back in with friendly eyes, and part of Seonghwa wishes Hongjoong had walked in with cold eyes which resented him or forgot him, but part of him knows he would much rather die than be forgotten by Hongjoong or resented by him.

“Hey… Seonghwa?” Hongjoong’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts, and god, he misses Hongjoong so much more now that the other is before him. Seonghwa yearns, he desires to circle the counter to the other side and pull the other into his arms, fix everything that was broken. He wonders if the other would fit perfectly in his arms still.

It doesn’t matter if he was the one who broke it or Hongjoong. What matters is that he wants to repair it, he wants to get back that unspeakable bond they had between them all those years ago, that love he experienced, the joy he had felt with Hongjoong. This time, he doesn’t want to back down so easily, he doesn’t want to let Hongjoong slip past his fingers so easily again, he wants to speak up this time, form proper words, let himself be heard.

But instead, he puts on his fake professional smiles reserved for bad days and overwhelming customers, and by the way Hongjoong bites his lip nervously, Seonghwa can tell that he could distinguish this smile from the genuine ones he had always given Hongjoong before everything crumbled right before them.

Hongjoong puts down his things on the counter; a packet of new guitar strings, another David Bowie cassette tape - the other has always been into old hits, and Seonghwa is glad this part never changed - and two new guitar picks as well as a coiled 10-feet guitar cable.

Seonghwa checks him out, and they stand in uncertain silence, broken only by the plastic bag rustling as Seonghwa puts the items in it. Hongjoong hands him bills a bit more than the proper amount, and Seonghwa’s hand trembles slightly as he accepts them.

Their hands touch lightly as Hongjoong accepts his change, and it takes every ounce of strength in Seonghwa to not grab onto Hongjoong’s hand and pull him closer.

The storekeeper expects the redhead to turn and walk out of the store with more pieces of Seonghwa’s heart, but instead he lingers in front of the counter, fidgeting with the plastic bag’s straps.

“What’s wrong, Hongjoong?” Seonghwa doesn’t dare to use their old nicknames.

“I was thinking maybe… we could, uh, spend some time together again for a bit…” Hongjoong trails off, eyes not meeting Seonghwa’s. Then, he looks up, uncertainty peeking from behind the familiar flames, and adds, “for old times’ sake. Only if you want to.”

Seonghwa stares at him, watches the way Hongjoong suddenly looks smaller again, shifting from one foot to another as he waits for Seonghwa’s response. Seonghwa already knew this, but he really thinks he can never resist Hongjoong.

“Sure. Send me the details,” Seonghwa says. “My phone number hasn’t changed.”

 _Like anything else_ , he leaves that unsaid.

Hongjoong visibly brightens and relaxes, “Yeah! I will! See ya!”

Hongjoong leaves, and Seonghwa releases a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. 

“Was that… Hongjoong-hyung?” Jongho suddenly says, and Seonghwa turns to him, where he stands in front of the staff room’s closed door.

Seonghwa nods with a melancholic smile.

“Is this really okay, hyung?” Jongho’s tone falls hushed, and Seonghwa nods again.

He knows it’s a lie.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally posted on twitter [here.](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller/status/1264571992532856832) this is the brainchild all three of us worked hard to come up with, and has a very special place in our hearts. we hope you enjoy!

Of course Seonghwa didn’t wait all day for Hongjoong’s text.

Of course he didn’t make sure his phone is in his field of vision at all times possible so he’d immediately know if _someone_ texted. 

Soon, it was time to close the shop for the day, but still no text- not that he was checking, of course not.

Now that the store hours are over and he’s once again left alone with his thoughts, Seonghwa started to doubt if Hongjoong was even real, if he really came back to their sleepy little town, after all those years. It’s almost laughable, how he allowed himself to think that this might be the chance he never even dared hope for. 

Because at the back of his mind, he got comfortable in thinking of Hongjoong as his greatest _almost_. He got comfortable with pulling out the happy memories out of his dainty little box of reveries, thinking of the past as if it’s unblemished, because it’s the only version of them that he can control. He can choose to remember _whatever they had_ in a certain way so it wouldn’t hurt as much.

In his mind’s version of the past, Hongjoong didn’t leave. He stayed with him and they faced their cozy little future with their attainable little dreams, instead of Hongjoong’s _massive dreams_ that felt larger than this entire town put together.

The dusk was slowly engulfing the horizon when Seonghwa finally started walking home from the shop. Jongho offered to accompany him for a little while, but he declined. He’s thankful for the offer, but he’d rather sort his own thoughts alone.

When Hongjoong said they’d spend time together for “old times’ sake”, does that mean they would just pick up from where they left off? Like nothing ever happened? Like an entire decade came and went without a single word?

Aren’t memories a funny, fickle thing? One moment they feel like they’re fading away with time, and the next… They feel too close for comfort.

Seonghwa’s memories of a decade ago felt like yesterday. He’s walking down old familiar roads, feeling like a small, familiar hand was held in his own. Hongjoong would walk with him every single day to and from school, and they would rant about the slow paced life that was all this town could offer. They always said they wanted more, and they danced around the idea of escaping the confines of this town one day, and they would finally be free.

All those years ago, the record shop was owned by a friendly old man who was close with Seonghwa’s family. They would visit him every day, just to marvel over the cool vintage records and learn about the trade. Seonghwa can never forget the way Hongjoong’s eyes sparkled every single time they listened to the classics - Beatles, Queen, Elvis, Bowie - name it, he knows them all. He’d always get teased that he’s born with an old man’s soul, but Hongjoong always took it as a compliment.

Hongjoong always told Seonghwa of his plans for the ideal future; and all of them ended with them growing old together. He didn’t mention whether to grow old as friends, or even something more than that, but Seonghwa was always scared to ask.

You can say that Seonghwa is a creature of habit, and Hongjoong was the one he never grew out of.

He felt a sigh escape his lips. There should be a reason why Hongjoong wasn’t reaching out. Even after he said he would.

Seonghwa finally resigned to the idea that maybe Hongjoong simply forgot about the invitation to hang out, when he heard his phone chirp in his pocket.

“Hi my little star, is that diner by the forked road still in business? I missed their chicken. -Joongie”

 _My little star_. God, how his heart felt like it’s gonna jump out of his chest. It’s been a goddamned decade but that nickname can still take his breath away.

Maybe there’s still a chance to go back to how they used to be. That nickname held so many good memories in it that Seonghwa can just allow himself to hope at this point.

-

Seonghwa is going to die tonight. 

No really, he’s going to die tonight. Forensics will get to his dead body and end up with an inconclusive report- Hongjoong’s text- Hongjoong coming back, even- Hongjoong asking him out on a _date_ , technically. 

But it’ll all boil down to this, won’t it. This is the thing they’ll slap on his death certificate in big fat letters- death by Hongjoong looking too fucking good. 

Hongjoong leans against the storefront of the diner, chatting animatedly with the hostess. She covers her mouth, laughing at something he said. Seonghwa pushes down the sudden flush of something- something dark and twisting- in his chest and walks over.

‘Oh!’ Hongjoong exclaims as he sees Seonghwa walking over. ‘There you are, Hwa.’   
_Hwa?_ ‘Thanks,’ Seonghwa says, hands twisting behind his back. ‘You look-’ 

_What the fuck._ Hongjoong is wearing fucking suspenders, brown suspenders over a shirt with a matching suit coat thrown over his arm- Seonghwa’s wearing jeans and a fucking T-shirt under his leather jacket, for fuck’s sake. He looks- good enough to eat, honestly; and is that- ‘Is that eyeshadow?’ 

‘Well- yeah,’ Hongjoong says, seemingly caught off-guard by the question. ‘I thought I’d dress up a little bit, tonight. What do you,’ he starts, pauses. ‘What do you think?’ 

_’What do I think?_ Seonghwa thinks faintly. The thing is, the makeup is a light caramel, but Hongjoong’s also blended in bits of darker shadow at the corners, making his eyes seem to go on forever. He looks- _delectable._ It makes Seonghwa want to throw himself off a cliff, or press his mouth against Hongjoong’s and hear him gasp, mess up that perfectly styled hair with his fingers-

Seonghwa cuts that train of thought off violently. ‘It looks- good.’ he says, eventually. He wants to kick himself in the shins. 

‘Thanks,’ Hongjoong says, ducking his head a little, and Seonghwa pinches himself slightly in the thigh to make sure that Hongjoong is actually real, that Hongjoong really is out here existing like that, flirty and bold one second, demure and shy the next. ‘I’m glad you like it.’ 

The hostess clears her throat, smiling when the both of them jerk, turning to face her. ‘It’s been a while, Mr. Park,’ she says, gently; and Seonghwa wonders what that means. ‘Follow me, please.’ 

The hostess leads them to a small two-person booth at the corner of the diner, hidden away from the eyes of the other patrons. Hongjoong flops into the seat, nodding at the hostess when she asks if they want the usual. 

‘What do you mean, the usual?’ Seonghwa asks once he’s seated himself across Hongjoong, shifting slightly when he realises the cramped space makes his knees knock against Hongjoong’s- the spot where they touched seems to burn. 

‘I just asked them to make my favourite,’ Hongjoong says, leaning back against his seat and fluffing up his hair with one hand. Seonghwa swallows. ‘Don’t tell me you forgot already.’

And fuck, as if Seonghwa could possibly forget. But there’s another question- another one that Seonghwa wants to know the answer to. 

‘Hongjoong,’ he starts helplessly, ‘I-’ he says, cursing his inability to _converse_ when Hongjoong looks up from fiddling with the salt and pepper shakers. There’s something about Hongjoong’s gaze that makes Seonghwa duck away, stare over his head at the couple behind them. 

‘What- what’s the occasion?’ 

‘You mean-’ Hongjoong looks confused for a second, but then his face breaks into a grin. ‘You mean why I’m all dressed up?’ 

That’s it. Seonghwa is going to die- Kim Hongjoong can still read him like a fucking book, even with a decade in between them. ‘Yeah.’ he says. He feels his ears burning.

‘Little star,’ Hongjoong chuckles, bringing Seonghwa’s eyes back on him. ‘ _You’re_ the occasion, silly.’ 

-

Seonghwa gnaws on his bottom lip, he’s still nervous, despite them already spending time together a few times and somehow saving parts of whatever they had in the past. What they have now isn’t perfect, but it works, despite how shaky its foundation is.

And with each hang-out, Seonghwa notices the differences ten years bring and similarities which remain undisturbed by the tide of time. Like how back in the diner the first night they reunited, Hongjoong eats significantly less than he used to, but his favourite is still chicken wings, though he forgoes the hamburger and fries he used to order as a side, and instead of the usual soda, he gets apple juice instead.

And of course, he notices how Hongjoong became more beautiful after ten years.

Hongjoong had reserved him from last week for today’s outing. Typical Hongjoong. Apparently, the other wanted to properly explore the town again.

He said it’s to ‘revisit their memories’, and Seonghwa doesn’t dare to ask which and why. 

“Seonghwa!” A voice calls and Seonghwa lifts his head up from where he fiddles with his bicycle’s handlebars. 

Hongjoong stands outside his gate; pushing his own bicycle and beaming at Seonghwa. It’s a lot like the past, but the difference is that Hongjoong no longer welcomes himself in opening Seonghwa’s gates, instead he stands outside and waits for Seonghwa to come to him. 

Seonghwa waves a hand and makes his way out, “Hey, Hongjoong.”

He feels nervous. He feels eyes on him and he glances back, seeing Yeosang, one of his housemates and their shared friends, peeking from behind the curtains of the living room’s sliding door.

Seonghwa knows that concerned look, but smiles at Yeosang and waves him off. Yeosang slithers away from the curtains, and Seonghwa turns back to look at Hongjoong, whose gaze is in the direction of the living room. 

“That was Yeosang, right?” Hongjoong asks him, his voice soft, laced with- regret? 

“Yeah. Told you that he lives with me, Jongho and Wooyoung,” Seonghwa says and Hongjoong closes his eyes as he nods. The redhead takes a deep breath, then turns back to Seonghwa with a soft smile. 

“That’s nice,” Hongjoong says, then pauses before he continues, “let’s go, Seonghwa.”

 _Let’s go, Seonghwa_ , Seonghwa can’t help but remember those are the same words Hongjoong used whenever he talked about his big, over-the-top dreams Seonghwa used to think was unachievable, _let’s go to the city and make it big. You sing, I rap, and we compose together, and we make a name for ourselves. Let’s go, Seonghwa_.

But unlike that time, instead of a scared ‘no!’ drenched in tears, Seonghwa says, “yeah, let’s go.”

Hongjoong and him cycle side by side, as they visited their usual hang-out spots in the sleepy town. It feels like they’re 14 again, racing each other to school for club activities, laughing and dodging uneven holes on the road. 

But now, Hongjoong’s hair is a vibrant red and he has more piercings than when he graduated high school with a streak of breaking the dress code.

Seonghwa wanted to first stop at the playground, but Hongjoong told him to save it for later. They first stopped in front of their high school, feeling odd with how it’s so quiet without students; because it’s an early Saturday morning. 

Hongjoong reminisces about how they both were top students, but Seonghwa always surpassed him a grade higher. Seonghwa almost reminds him it’s only because Hongjoong got caught up with music in highschool, but keeps his mouth shut as he hums, gazing wistfully at the building. 

The outing just started, he shouldn’t ruin it with careless words. 

They alternate between cycling and pushing their bicycles, Hongjoong pointing out places they used to frequent, like Mrs. Lee’s stationery shop now run by his son, the grocery cum wet foods business which had grown, making it three shop lots big, the cafe San works at - they stopped by, but San wasn’t around - which they used to go to treat themselves after a good exam result. 

Like Hongjoong, the town changed, just at a smaller scale, but Hongjoong notices the changes anyway. He asks about the new florist which opened by the cafe, asks about the recently opened boutique piquing his interest, and Seonghwa tells him the owner, Kibum-hyung, is pretty nice.

The shop district with mismatched businesses where Seonghwa’s music store is at comes into view, and Hongjoong starts his questions again, asking if Hyogi-hyung still runs the thrift store across Seonghwa’s shop, asking who the saloon bar owner is now; if Johnny has taken over yet. 

Seonghwa hums and answers, the conversation easily flowing as they slip into the diner again and order their regulars, which the hostess already knows, but they make it a point to still say their orders.

Now, they sit on the swings at the empty playground, swinging gently. Seonghwa closes his eyes, as he enjoys this moment.

“So much has changed,” Hongjoong murmurs. Seonghwa peeks an eye open, looking at him. Hongjoong nostalgically adds, “yet it still feels the same. I missed it.”

Seonghwa hums, “missed it?”

Hongjoong nods. “The people here are gentle and the air is calmer; the city's a mess.”

 _Then, why did you leave?_ , Seonghwa almost blurts out, even though he knows why.

“But I wanted to achieve my dream. So it was bearable,” Hongjoong continues, then a melancholic smile appears on his face, “it paid off.”

It was bearable for Hongjoong to be alone in the unfamiliar city and adapt, but it took Seonghwa years to stop reaching out for his shadows and accept Hongjoong really did leave him behind, because Seonghwa doesn’t love anything as much as he loves Hongjoong. 

Seonghwa feels something surge in him, years of unresolved questions and a mess of feelings he left unattended for too long banging to be let out, but he bites his lip and continues swinging.

Something is forming here, and Seonghwa wants to treasure it a little longer, rein back his thoughts a little longer, because Hongjoong is here again and Seonghwa isn’t confident he knows Hongjoong like before yet to really let himself go.

“But I missed it here,” Hongjoong adds, then turns to Seonghwa with a slight smile, “I missed you.”

Something breaks in Seonghwa, but he manages to hold it together. A wet drop falls on his cheek, and he looks up, grateful to know that it’s the rain and not his tears. 

He stands up and goes onto his bicycle’s seat, keeping his face down, and murmurs, “it’s going to rain.”

“Oh, right,” Hongjoong says and the redhead gets on his own bicycle, “we should go back.”

The ride home is silent. Seonghwa doesn’t trust himself to not mess up if he opens his mouth, so he lets the quiet stay, even after Hongjoong cycles away and he watches his back move further from his gates. 

The rain pours when Seonghwa clicks his door close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also hit us up on twitter if you want to scream to us about this au/ seongjoong in general! we don't bite :D  
> [starsforhwa (gillian)](https://twitter.com/starsforhwa)  
> [hwaslintroller (chloe)](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller)  
> [strawberrymarss (joy)](https://twitter.com/strawberrymarss)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW/ BLOOD AND GORE, HOMOPHOBIA: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MILD MENTIONS OF BLOOD AND GORE (during their confrontation), AS WELL AS HOMOPHOBIA (during the scene where hongjoong stands up to seonghwa's dad). IF YOU MAY GET TRIGGERED FROM IT, SKIP THE SCENE AND/OR THE WHOLE CHAPTER!**
> 
> originally posted on twitter [here.](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller/status/1264571992532856832) this is the brainchild all three of us worked hard to come up with, and has a very special place in our hearts. we hope you enjoy!

Seonghwa is many things- he’s kind; he helps old ladies in town carry their groceries until they coo all over him, lamenting that nothing would make them happier if only their grandsons were half as helpful as he were. He can be funny, too - the things he says, with a snide smirk or a raised brow, could have his roommates crying with laughter.

Whatever he is, however, he is not impatient.

Seonghwa thinks first before diving into the unknown. He waits for his turn to cross the road, he chose the safest major in university, hung out with virtually the same group of people since college.

Maybe it’s because he’s a fucking coward, he thinks. Maybe it’s because uncalculated risks terrified him. Maybe Hongjoong had been right all along; when he’d thrown Seonghwa one last glare and left him behind for what felt like forever.

Hongjoong is a hurricane, a supernova - this is why Hongjoong felt so enthralling to him, because he was basically Seonghwa’s antithesis; Hongjoong was never afraid to reach for all the stars in the sky while Seonghwa stayed indoors, hardly even daring to dream about facing the vast, dark sky.

Right now, Seonghwa’s sitting in the diner, lazily stirring his iced tea with a straw as he listens to Hongjoong chatter about life in the city; when he feels something in his chest - something larger than life and distinctly Hongjoong-shaped - slowly rip apart.

How Seonghwa wished he knew of another word to describe Hongjoong, because _beautiful_ doesn’t seem to cut it. His glances are as loud as screams, and he can set Seonghwa’s entire being to flames. He is everything Seonghwa is not- and how could Seonghwa compete with an entire galaxy of stars?

This is why Seonghwa decided to wait - again - until Hongjoong himself offered the answers to the questions he never dared voice out in fear of getting left behind again.

 _When did you stop including me in your dreams?_ Seonghwa thinks, watching Hongjoong’s eyes light up when he talks about an Eden-hyung. _What happened to us reaching for the stars together? Did you just wake up one day and realize that your little star was too miniscule for the galaxy you had in mind?_

_And if that was the case, you know I wouldn’t mind, but didn’t I deserve to know? Just so I wouldn’t spend the following decade picking my soul apart just to figure out what I did wrong?_

Seonghwa was getting filled to the brim with all the things he’s been aching to ask and to say, but something in him is convinced that he’d rather pretend that he’s doing both of them a favour by keeping Hongjoong’s little visit as smooth as possible.

Because for all he knew, Hongjoong would pack up again one day and leave him for his entire galaxy of stars - the one that didn’t have any space for him and his faint little glow. But one can only be stretched so far until they snap.

It happened out of nowhere, even Seonghwa was surprised, but he can only take so much of Hongjoong’s stories of the city, the glamorous life of celebrities, and the grand places he’s been - plus the way he’s been dancing between shy and flirtatious - before everything came spilling out to the surface.

Seonghwa sets his glass down with a thump. “Hongjoong,” he starts, and Hongjoong cuts himself off in the middle of a sentence, staring at Seonghwa with wide eyes. “Did you really come back here, after all these fucking years, just to tell me about your oh-so-beddazzling idol life?”

“Must be so bad, huh?” Seonghwa says, laughing humourlessly. There’s a voice in his head that’s screaming at him to stop, that hisses with the biting urgency of _Hongjoong doesn’t deserve this, you dick_ ; but there’s something bitter and painful at the bottom of his throat, and he’s not sure if he can hold it down for a moment longer.

“I’m sure having tons of fans and money must be so boring, that you just conveniently decided to remember me after a whole decade, coming back because nothing interested you there anymore?” _Stop, what are you doing-_ “Just because you pitied the loser you left behind?”

A family diner bustling with customers right after the dinner rush is probably the WORST possible place to snap, but if Seonghwa held this in for one more minute, he’s sure he’s gonna _lose it_.

Fortunately, Seonghwa was never the one to lash out with the yelling, but maybe that’s even worse - because his deathly hushed tone and ghastly stare were enough to force Hongjoong to a screeching halt. He cannot put this off any further.

As soon as the words came out of Seonghwa’s lips, he started to regret them. Was he in any position to even demand anything from him, after all those years?

Especially after everything his family did to Hongjoong?

He can still vividly remember the way his late father regarded Hongjoong with thinly veiled contempt and disgust when he saw them at their _secret spot_ , the place where only the two of them were supposed to know.

Of course Seonghwa’s father wouldn’t take too fondly to his oldest son’s _weird friend_ , whose house was the size of their tool shed… But to be honest, what did he know? What did any of them know?

Not a single soul knew how Hongjoong built Seonghwa’s universe with his own two hands. Nobody else saw how he managed to pull Seonghwa from his lowest points, and how he instilled a sense of hope in him, that one day he can escape this ‘home’ that’s basically a hand around the throat.

They were sixteen, on the night they graduated high school, high off the dreams of making it big and escaping this outdated little town with their small minded families and soul crushing expectations.

Hongjoong was giddy beyond belief that night - he said that he mailed some demos off to some company, and was told to stand by for updates. _They saw potential in me, Seonghwa!_ And for a moment there, they allowed themselves to believe that maybe their not-so-little dreams of making it out there would actually become a reality.

Fueled by the thrill of an exciting future, Seonghwa decided to take a leap. He wanted to try something, for a very long time, just to see how it would feel-

But right when his face was a mere inch from Hongjoong’s, his father’s bellowing voice jolted them apart.

_So this is where you’ve been, hanging out with this… This..._

Every fibre of Seonghwa’s being tried to force him to hit back, to scream at his father that it’s _his_ life, _his_ decisions, and he can do whatever the fuck he wanted.

But the crippling fear said otherwise.

He tried to take the leap, but all it did was break all of his fragile bones, didn’t it?

Seonghwa can never forget the look of betrayal on Hongjoong’s face when there was no attempt made in his defence.

So Hongjoong took the matters in his own hands. He fended for himself his entire life, why is this any different?

Their small sleepy town gave so much importance in following whatever the elders told them to. So the night Hongjoong decided to sever all his ties to this town, he made sure to spite this man to his face, to make sure he knew that his unspoken demeaning words did nothing to him.

 _At least I’m not a fucking homophobe._ Hongjoong spat out with all the venom he could muster.

He smirked, and looked straight into Seonghwa's eyes as he whispered bitterly, _And a coward._

Seonghwa was sure he begged his feet to run after Hongjoong. He was sure his heart was cursing at him not to let this go without a goddamned fight.

But there was something in that last phrase Hongjoong _spat_ at them that made him realize that maybe the battle was lost before he even started fighting.

Seonghwa recoiled from the whiplash he got just by remembering that night, when it all went to shit.

As Hongjoong hurriedly went to pay for the bill, desperate to get out of that diner to avoid Seonghwa embarrassing himself further… Seonghwa wondered, all the difference it would have made, if only the words his heart knew made their way out of his mouth.

-

When Hongjoong watches Seonghwa implode in on himself, he sees, for a fleeting moment, the Seonghwa who had ripped his hand away from Hongjoong’s when Hongjoong had nearly begged him to come with him to the city. Sixteen-year-old Seonghwa with eyes wild like a caged-in tiger; whose eyes held too much emotion for Hongjoong to handle then; and even now.

 _Ah_ , Hongjoong thinks. _I kept you waiting, Seonghwa. I’m sorry._

-  
Hongjoong is already outside biting his lip, when Seonghwa shuffles out of the diner, the late summer night air, which keeps growing colder as autumn nears, blowing at them, hugging his coat close to his body.

Seonghwa glowers at him, expectant, feeling his anger bubble up in him now that he doesn't need to hold back anymore.

“Not here,” Hongjoong says quietly. Seonghwa guesses it’s true his glares can intimidate, since even Hongjoong, who has never been afraid of pushing Seonghwa’s buttons before, who walked back into Seonghwa’s life remorselessly, is scared of him now.

Or maybe the topic is just heavy.

Maybe they have changed more than they noticed.

"Then where?" Seonghwa hisses, and Hongjoong flinches slightly.

Hongjoong takes a deep breath to steel himself, and matches Seonghwa's gaze.

"The oak tree."

The glare on Seonghwa's face is broken when he hears those words. His eyes widened, as he studied Hongjoong's face.

Hongjoong repeats, "the oak tree."

Where everything went to shit.

Seonghwa knows it will hurt them both to go back there, but he grits his teeth and nods. "Fine. I'll drive us." Hongjoong had come on foot, and Seonghwa isn’t in the fucking mood to walk.

Hongjoong nods and turns, as they both walk together in silence to Seonghwa's car parked a few metres away from the diner's entrance. They enter the car after Seonghwa turns the engine on, and the silence settles in as they start on their way to their old secret spot, where it all cracked and crumbled to dust.

The car ride feels like the silence before a storm.

' _Hyung, just why are you doing this?_ ' Jongho’s voice echoes in his head, and Seonghwa sees his worried eyes and Yeosang’s concerned gaze, Wooyoung frowning at him as they sat at the dinner table a week after Hongjoong returned.

‘ _I don’t know_ ,’ Seonghwa had replied to them. ‘ _I don’t know, Jongho._ ’

But, deep inside, the reason gnaws at him, tugging on his sleeve to finally face it.

Tonight, Seonghwa will take the leap.

-

“The sky is clear tonight,” Hongjoong says when Seonghwa follows him to stand under the familiar oak tree, their former secret place, just a bit away from the playground, near the gated path leading into one of their town’s main dams amongst a forest no one ever visits.

Hongjoong is watching the river nearby; or what weak flowing water body is left of it.

“Stop dancing around the point,” Seonghwa snaps, hostile. Hongjoong blinks, then sighs.

“I’m sorry, Hwa.”

Seonghwa resolutely keeps quiet.

“I’m sorry. For what happened ten years ago, and all its results,” Hongjoong turns to look at Seonghwa, “I… I didn’t think it through.”

‘ _You didn’t think it through?_ ’

Seonghwa cocks his head to show he is listening. Hongjoong closes his eyes, as he leans his head back and gazes longingly at the sky.

His galaxy of stars Seonghwa isn’t sure he could ever fit into; or ever be enough for.

“Remember what happened… here?” Hongjoong asks softly, and Seonghwa tenses.

“Like I can forget it,” Seonghwa replies tersely, and he really wishes he could somehow soften his tone, because Hongjoong is looking fragile again and guilt burns in Seonghwa’s chest.

But Seonghwa is tired. He wants his goddamn explanation.

“And what happened a month later… do you remember?”

Seonghwa balls his hands into fists as he feels his eyes burn. _What_ is Hongjoong trying to say?!

Of course he remembers, he dreamt of Hongjoong’s blazing eyes and his venomous words, his tone when he says ‘coward’ with that goddamn smirk, for _years_.

And for _years_ , he relived the moment he chased Hongjoong down and grabbed his hand on that chilly autumn night at the bus stop, yelling for him to stay, to _please_ don’t fucking leave him alone in this _hell_ , again and again, relived the way a chasm made home in his heart when the ill-timed bus arrives and Hongjoong steps on it without looking back, never to return for the next ten years.

And even now, it never ceased to haunt him, whenever autumn creeps close.

He remembers Hongjoong’s fiery eyes _vividly_ , how those flames were undeterred by the rushing tears falling down Seonghwa’s cheeks, growing even bigger.

 _No_ , Hongjoong had told him, _I’m not fucking staying, Seonghwa. Go away._

“I don’t forget shit that easily, Hongjoong,” Seonghwa says through his gritted teeth.

Hongjoong moves from where he stands at the base of the tree, tracing the words 'P.S.H. was here' and 'K.H.J. was here’ engraved into the bark, and walks closer to Seonghwa, stopping a few steps in front of the taller.

“I know. You’ve always had good memory,” Hongjoong says, laughing wetly. Seonghwa sees the way his eyes glisten with tears under the moonlight.

Seonghwa bites his trembling lip.

“So much… I was feeling so much, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong adds, he is still stubbornly keeping his gaze down, and Seonghwa wants to hold his chin and lift it up so Hongjoong faces him, “So much happened and we became so…”

Rocky. Distant. Different.

“I didn’t want to leave you, y’know,” Hongjoong continues, and Seonghwa almost burst into bitter laughter. Does Hongjoong think he would fucking fall for that?

“Don’t lie to me, Kim Hongjoong.” The words taste like poison on Seonghwa’s tongue, because Hongjoong has never lied to him before. Never anything worse than a white lie, but here he is, saying that when his actions proved otherwise.

“I’m not lying, Seonghwa!” Hongjoong protests.

Seonghwa stares at him. “You _left_ , Hongjoong. Do you even _remember_ what you said to me?!” Seonghwa raised his own voice to match Hongjoong’s.

Seonghwa had begged him to stay, cried his heart out, profusely apologizing to Hongjoong for… for everything. For not defending him, for not doing more. He tried to explain himself, kept apologizing through hysterical tears, and pleaded so much it hurt to even talk the next morning.

Seonghwa had begged so much, because he saw what distance did to his parents, to his brother’s relationship, what distance did to the fragile hearts around him he always had to fix, and failed most times to do so.

And Hongjoong knows this, but Hongjoong had just yelled at him, _Stop fucking holding me back! I hate this fucking town, Seonghwa, and I don’t want to be held down here! You said you’d be there for me, but turns out, you’re just a fucking coward!_

The wounds Hongjoong’s words left on him never healed.

 _You’re just a coward, and you don’t have faith in me_ , Hongjoong had snapped. _I don’t want a selfish person who holds me back because of their irrational fears!_

“I _do_!” Hongjoong shouts, now, tears running down his cheeks, a raging river. Seonghwa wants to tear at his own face, dig his nails into his palms until they draw blood. “I _remember_ , Seonghwa!”

“Do you know how much it hurt?!” Seonghwa barks back, “Do you know how much it hurt when you left?”

“I’m sorry, _okay_ , I-”

“You told me that this - “ Seonghwa angrily gestures between them, “ - wouldn’t happen,’ Anger manifests white-hot in his brain, searing his retinas- “ -but look where we fucking are now- are you still gonna tell me I’m selfish and irrational for being scared the distance would ruin us?”

“I’m not the only one who broke this- this- whatever we had!” Hongjoong snaps, “you didn’t even defend me back then!”

“What was I supposed to do?! I _told_ you, I tried, I wanted to protect you, Hongjoong - “

“You didn’t try hard enough, then!” Hongjoong yells, “You just- you just let him- you just let it happen- you- ” Hongjoong chokes back a sob.

“ _Fuck_!” Seonghwa screams, his voice breaking at the end from pure frustration. “Just- just _why_ did you come back then, Hongjoong?! Just to yell at me like this, break us again, hurt me all over again?”

“Because it hurt, Seonghwa, it hurt to be away from you!” Hongjoong cries out.

“ _You_ left,” Seonghwa hisses, “ _Why_ are _you_ the one hurting?” There’s a weight on his chest, making it difficult for Seonghwa to breathe. Fuck, he shouldn’t have greeted Hongjoong, even, when he walked into the shop that day. He should’ve just smiled politely and pretended he didn’t remember Hongjoong at all - as if he could ever forget this blunt force of a man - because all it brings to him is pain.

Hongjoong swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Seonghwa watches the movement with a swift fascination. “Because I realised I was fucking in love with you, asshole,” he answers.  
‘Is that fucking enough for you?’ Hongjoong asks, swiping at his eyes angrily, as if he’s wasted energy arguing with Seonghwa. ‘Does it bring you satisfaction-’ he hisses, anger colouring his voice- ‘making me spell it out for you every time?’  
Seonghwa stands, frozen to the spot. ‘You- you _what_?’

‘I was in love with you,’ Hongjoong repeats, slowly; as if Seonghwa were a toddler. Seonghwa hates that- Hongjoong sounds condescending and annoyed; and Seonghwa- Seonghwa doesn’t like it. ‘Or rather, I’m still in love with you. Happy?’

‘You-’ Seonghwa can hardly believe his ears. His legs feel like jelly, ans it feels like all the wind was knocked out of him. ‘Really?’

‘I’m in love with you,’ Hongjoong says, sniffing loudly. He looks up at Seonghwa with red-rimmed eyes. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be going back to- to pack,’ and, oh no, Hongjoong’s tone has become more brusque and business-like; which means he’s shutting Seonghwa out: ‘and- and I’ll get out of your life, alright? Forget this ever happened-’

And maybe it’s true when people say that three time’s the charm, because Seonghwa finally snaps out of his stupor, grabbing Hongjoong by the arm. ‘You’re in love with me.’

‘ _Yes,_ ’ Hongjoong says, voice breaking. His other arm comes up in a flash, wiping away a tear on his cheek; as though Seonghwa wouldn’t see it if he was quick enough. ‘How many times are you going to make me say it- just let me go and let me wallow in my own mortification and heartbreak, you fuck-‘

‘No, Hongjoong, please,’ Seonghwa pleads, because he’s never really been successful at anything in life but he wants Hongjoong to listen to him, just this once. ‘I,’ he swallows. ‘I love- love you too.’

Hongjoong just looks at him, pauses for a beat. ‘Sure,’ he says. ‘Real nice of you to make fun of me while you just broke my fucking heart, so-’

‘No, Hongjoong, listen to me, please,’ _I’ve let you go so many times. I don’t want to miss you anymore._ ‘I’ve been- I’ve been in love with you since we were sixteen,’ Seonghwa swallows- there’s something big and encompassing expanding in his chest; his heart ballooning with everything. ‘But I-’ he lets out a frustrated huff. ‘I thought you didn’t want me, because I would always be lesser than you.’

‘ _Seonghwa_ ,’ and Hongjoong looks genuinely horrified, but his parted lips are cherry from the cold and just-teary eyes brighter than a million suns; and Seonghwa is hopelessly, hopelessly enamoured. ‘How could you- how could you think that?’

‘I guess I-’ and there’s a sudden heat gathering at his eyes, the tears falling before Seonghwa can even try to stop them. ‘I guess just- I was scared of the big things you talked about; and the things you said to me, too- right before you left,’ Seonghwa sniffles, really crying now. God, this hurts so much- he just wants to be home with his Studio Ghibli DVDs; or put on a Frank Sinatra record and cry on his own with a glass of wine. ‘I didn’t want to hold you back, because I know you had so much potential-’

‘Seonghwa,’ Hongjoong repeats, and Seonghwa shuts his eyes because never in a million years would he have dared to dream his name falling from Hongjoong’s lips again; to have Hongjoong here, solid; with everything let out from those boxes in his head, shoved safely to a corner to collect dust. ‘Seonghwa, you know that I didn’t- and I don’t think that, don’t you?’

‘I guess I do now,’ Seonghwa laughs wetly, because everything’s starting to make sense now that he’s listened to what Hongjoong had to say, because they’d both been so stupid about this, because it had hurt so much, for so long. ‘I didn’t- I just didn’t think I could be with you.’

‘Oh, darling,’ the name has Seonghwa opening his eyes. Hongjoong has gotten dangerously close, now; palm cold against his cheek as he wipes at the wetness at Seonghwa’s face with a thumb. Seonghwa leans into the touch. ‘I was just angry that you wouldn’t come with me,’ Hongjoong says softly, says it into the pocket of air that belongs to them and only them. It’s so intimate, Seonghwa has to suppress a shudder. ‘You were the only person who I loved; and treasured, in this town, you know? So to have you reject me like this- and I thought you hid behind your father at the time, too- it just hurt.’

Hongjoong takes Seonghwa’s hands in his, and Seonghwa marvels at how small Hongjoong’s hands are; how he can easily envelope Hongjoong’s hands in his. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you that- and I didn’t want to lose my pride saying that, too. So I got angry, and just- well.’

‘Hongjoong,’ Seonghwa cries. ‘We’re so damn stupid, why are we so fucking- we could’ve just sucked it up and we could’ve been boyfriends so much sooner-’

Seonghwa’s eyes jump open, because oh my god, he just said it out loud; didn’t he? Every instinct tells him to run, to escape before the embarrassment hits-

But Hongjoong’s eyes are full of fondness, and they’re directed at Seonghwa; and Seonghwa is nothing if not a fucking fool for Kim Hongjoong.

‘Look at you,’ Hongjoong teases softly, bumping his nose against Seonghwa’s. Seonghwa whines, dropping his head into Hongjoong’s shoulder. Hongjoong’s arms come to circle his back, and oh, it’s nice, being held like this. ‘Look who’s crying now, huh? And yes, I’ll be your boyfriend, since you’d be too scared to ask, anyway.’

Seonghwa groans loudly as Hongjoong laughs into the embrace. And Seonghwa is _alive_ \- he feels the tremble of Hongjoong’s amusement under his palms, hears the smack of Hongjoong pressing a wet kiss to the side of his face. And he hopes- maybe one day, they’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **thank you for reading <3 do leave a comment so that creators know they're not posting into the void!** also hit us up on twitter if you want to scream to us about this au/ seongjoong in general! we don't bite :D  
> [starsforhwa (gillian)](https://twitter.com/starsforhwa)  
> [hwaslintroller (chloe)](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller)  
> [strawberrymarss (joy)](https://twitter.com/strawberrymarss)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally posted on twitter [here.](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller/status/1264571992532856832) this is the brainchild all three of us worked hard to come up with, and has a very special place in our hearts. we hope you enjoy!

Being okay doesn’t happen overnight, Seonghwa is very much aware of that fact.

After their fateful confrontation underneath the familiar oak tree, he felt like he could finally breathe again - Hongjoong felt _reachable_ to him again. Hongjoong stopped being his greatest _almost_.

But it took some getting used to - he doesn’t need to hold back now, and he forgot how that felt. He is free to voice out and even scream how he felt for Hongjoong, and somehow that felt foreign, due to all those years of living on what ifs and regrets.

\--

From the sporadic visits to the music shop, Hongjoong started coming in daily to see Seonghwa. He would hang around the shop, either keeping Seonghwa company or even chatting up his regulars about the kind of music that they liked.

The beauty of being in such a small distant town is that the locals are almost immune to Hongjoong’s celebrity status.

To them, he’s just _Kim Hongjoong_ , the boy they saw grow up with their own children. It’s like they hit resume on Hongjoong’s existence in that town, and everything took off from where Hongjoong left them all those years ago.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong are inseparable now without the awkwardness, now truly catching up on anything and everything that they missed out on each other’s lives throughout the years. No matter how long they talked, there always seemed to be much more stories to tell, and experiences to share. Their happiness seemed to light up the entire shop and made it even cozier, and Jongho was torn between adoration and disgust - since the two were almost too lovey dovey for his liking. He’s grateful about it though, because he’d rather have Seonghwa being outrageously cheesy than seeing him struggle.

Jongho wondered if he’s the only one who noticed the changes in Seonghwa - there’s a slight spring to his step now, he’s more eager and inspired in everything that he does around the shop. If everyone liked him before, they liked him even better now - he simply radiated with joy now that he doesn’t have to hurt so much anymore, now that he’s put his what ifs to rest. It’s almost laughable how they were able to hold all of this back, yet it felt so natural to be around each other now.

Maybe it’s their memories getting thawed from being frozen in time, and this is fate’s way of repaying them for all the heartaches and yearning they’ve had to endure through all those years.

“So hyung, when do you plan on telling us?” Jongho asked pointedly, one early morning while they were setting up the store for the day. No Hongjoong around just yet, he usually arrives an hour after opening.

“Tell you what?” Seonghwa answered the question with another question as he busied himself with stacking the newly arrived albums. Don’t get him wrong, he was sincerely puzzled at the question - being with Hongjoong felt very natural that it never occurred to him that it might have felt new to others.

“Oh come on, care to explain to us why Hongjoong hyung came back after suddenly disappearing when we graduated highschool, and now you’re inseparable again like nothing happened?” Jongho raised an inquisitive eyebrow, knowing full well that his hyung isn’t that capable of keeping anything from him.

Seonghwa tenses a little, wracking his brain for an acceptable excuse as to why he didn’t tell his friends what happened to them that night at the oak tree.

Admittedly, they weren’t just _his_ friends, they were Hongjoong’s friends too when they were in highschool, but all the time he spent away from them felt like a wedge into their circle.

Unlike Seonghwa, they still didn’t know how to dance around the situation - is Hongjoong back as a friend or as a stranger?  
A little pang of guilt bloomed in Seonghwa’s gut - he knew his friends were just worried about him - after all, they were the same people who witnessed how hard he tried to keep the pieces together when Hongjoong left ten years ago.

“Even Mingi and San asked about you, hyung. I didn’t know what to tell them, because I wasn’t sure myself.” Jongho continued, bringing Seonghwa back to the present.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Jongho. Everything is still brand new and I guess… We’re still testing the waters? I swear I’m going to tell you guys soon, I’m sorry if I made you feel like I’m hiding something from you.”

Jongho ran his hands through his hair while sighing. “It’s not like that, hyung. It’s just that we wanted to know what happened too… We got left behind too - maybe not in the same way as you were, but it still stings. We just wanted to understand, so we can decide how to go on from here.”

This felt too serious of a conversation to have before coffee, but Seonghwa presumed that important conversations shouldn’t have to wait. He’s learned this much from the entire experience with Hongjoong, that the conversations you didn’t have would end up bothering you the most.

As if on cue, the Hongjoong in question walked into the store, clutching a tray of coffees for the three of them. He looked radiant today, like he’s always been, but there’s something with the way he smiled that felt warmer than ever before.

“Good morning, little star.” Hongjoong walked over to where Seonghwa stood, offering him one of the coffees. “Ooh, new arrivals! Who do we have today?” He asked, observing the new merchandise in Seonghwa’s hands.

‘That’s, ah,’ Seonghwa starts, turning towards Hongjoong. Hongjoong’s hair has grown out a bit, and he’s tied it up into a small man bun today, dark roots peeking through the cherry strands. He’s barefaced today, his small frame bundled into a thick coat. He looks so soft, Seonghwa just wants to envelope him in his arms and let him stay there a bit.

‘Well?’ Hongjoong prompts.

Seonghwa startles before he feels his cheeks colour. ‘Right, sorry,’ he says, ducking his gaze away, but not before he sees Hongjoong press his lips together, suppressing a smile. ‘These are the batch of orders that arrived from the city- the old rock albums are starting to become popular once again, so we thought we’d get more to give the customers more options.’

He feels Hongjoong’s gaze at the side of his head, before Hongjoong’s smaller hand comes to rest on top of his. ‘Are these all?’ he says.

Seonghwa shoots him a look- because Hongjoong’s holding his hand, _holding his hand_ , in public, a display of affection for everyone to see. Hongjoong’s palm is warm, and electricity sparks up Seonghwa’s arm where they touch. ‘Yeah,’ he replies, sneaking a glance at Hongjoong’s face. Hongjoong’s still holding in a smile, but oh, the wind has painted his cheeks pink, his eyes glittery under the dim lights of the shop, and Seonghwa kinda really wants to take his face into his hands and kiss him-

A throat clears next to them, and both of them jump. Jongho puts down a box of old CDs with a deliberate crash, raising an eyebrow at Seonghwa.

‘Oh, Jongho,’ Seonghwa says, and wants to kick himself for- for what, being a lovesick fool over Kim Hongjoong? But that’s only natural that he’s in love with Hongjoong, brilliant, bright and beautiful Hongjoong- oh fuck Jongho’s staring at him again and-

‘Jongho,’ Seonghwa repeats, like an idiot, and Hongjoong sniggers besides him, and if he weren’t across the counter, Seonghwa would have smacked him. ‘Jongho, in case you weren’t aware, Hongjoong’s back.’

‘Hey, hyung,’ Jongho says, nodding to Hongjoong. ‘Haven’t seen you around in a while.’

‘Oh, drop the small talk,’ Hongjoong’s face breaks into a smile before he reaches over to ruffle Jongho’s hair. ‘I missed you, baby bear.’

Jongho snorts at the nickname. ‘It’s good to see you again, hyung.’

‘Me too,’ Hongjoong agrees, stretching. ‘Can’t wait to see the rest of them again- I’ve missed this town, really.’

‘More like missed Seonghwa-hyung,’ Jongho says dryly. Hongjoong doubles over as he chokes on his spit, coughing. ‘Jesus Christ, hyung,’ Jongho says, eyebrows raised in feign surprise, but Seonghwa can see the corners of his mouth turning upwards. ‘Why are you afraid of the truth?’

If Seonghwa hadn’t been blushing before, he definitely is now. ‘Shut up, Jongho,’ he says, resolutely avoiding Hongjoong’s eyes and glaring at Jongho instead, smoothing a hand on Hongjoong’s back.

‘Sorry,’ Jongho cackles. ‘I guess you could say I _cough-ed_ you off guard.’

‘God, I nearly forgot how embarrassing you can be.’’ Hongjoong coughs, finally recovering. He’s all flushed in the face, and Seonghwa leans forward to kiss his cheek.

‘But seriously, though, we deserve to know why you left,’ Jongho tells Hongjoong. ‘Because you know, we all grew up together, and you just left like that… you were kind of, like,’ Jongho gestures, trying to find the word. ‘-like the centre of all of us, and when you went to the city, we were just all… thrown off balance, you know?’

‘I know,’ Hongjoong says softly. Seonghwa can’t bring himself to imagine how alone Hongjoong must have felt in the city, barely eighteen with no friends or family to turn to. ‘I did miss my kids, I guess.’

‘Let’s all get together sometime,’ Seonghwa blurts, surprising even himself. ‘It’s been so long- I think we all miss high school, don’t we?’

‘I don’t think you did, the last year,’ Jongho tells him, and before Seonghwa could shut him up, continues: ‘you were so devastated over Hongjoongie-hyung leaving, you just-’

‘Say, Jongho,’ Seonghwa interrupts loudly. ‘I think we have a new batch of parcels arriving, could you go check?’

Both of them know the boxes in front of them are the last of the day, but Jongho shrugs. ‘Alright,’ he says. Then, a shift in demeanour: ‘I’m glad you came back, Hongjoongie-hyung,’ he goes, glancing in between them. ‘I’m glad things- things turned out this way.’

Then he’s gone, out of the door with the tinkling of the shop bell.

‘I can’t believe he’s still this obnoxious, after all this time,’ Hongjoong says, breaking the silence. There’s a little smile on his face that blooms into a full laugh when Seonghwa groans and puts his head on Hongjoong’s shoulder.

‘Aw, poor baby,’ Hongjoong giggles, hands coming around Seonghwa’s chest. ‘How tired you must have been, dealing with all of them all on your own.’

‘How I’ve suffered,’ Seonghwa complains, overdramatic. Hongjoong laughs, again, and Seonghwa’s heart squeezes. ‘Wooyoung and San were, like, the bane of my existence, you can’t even imagine-’

‘I was busy tending to my becoming-a-genius-producer process, sorry,’ Hongjoong says, pulling back to rest his forehead against Seonghwa’s. Hongjoong’s eyes are bright, filled with mischief. It makes Seonghwa want to soar. ‘Were you really sad though, when I left?’

Seonghwa swallows, finding Hongjoong’s hands to hold. The warmth in between his fingers soothes him, a little. ‘Well,’ he says, stops. ‘I wasn’t exactly dandy when you left- I mean, the love of my life basically just vanished out of nowhere, so-’

Hongjoong plants his palms on the sides of Seonghwa’s face, yanking him forward to kiss him, hard.

It takes Seonghwa a moment to realise that he’s being _kissed_ , right now- but Hongjoong’s lips are soft, insistent against his own. Hard enough to bruise, as if he wanted Seonghwa to feel his mark on his mouth for days, a sweet soreness.

They break apart too soon and not soon enough, Hongjoong’s breath hot on Seonghwa’s cheek. Seonghwa stares at him.

‘I love you too, Seonghwa,’ Hongjoong murmurs, and he looks so fond, so beautiful, under the afternoon sunlight. ‘And I’m not leaving you again, alright?’

‘Alright,’ Seonghwa breathes. And yes, after ten years, Seonghwa can finally say- everything’s good.

-

_A month later_

The doorbell rings and the five boys perk up in response. Seonghwa beams as he makes his way to the door, ignoring the teasing remarks and shushed chuckles coming from his housemates and San who had arrived early right after his shift. They’re having another gathering, a joint party for Wooyoung and Hongjoong, whose birthdays are in the same month.

It’s not like they aren’t going to throw another party for Wooyoung some two or three weeks later, but whatever. Their group doesn’t really care about the details as long as there’s alcohol, games, and loads and _loads_ of fun.

Seonghwa opens the door, his eyes twinkling with excitement as he sees Hongjoong standing there, grinning at him, with Yunho and Mingi in tow.

“Hey, lovely,” Seonghwa greets, and he hears some boos coming from behind him, but he stubbornly turns a deaf ear towards them. It doesn’t matter; Hongjoong is here, everyone he cherishes and loves is here now, and that is all Seonghwa cares about.

“Hey, my little star,” Hongjoong winks, as he pushes up on his toes and pecks Seonghwa on the cheek. “Missed you so much.”

“It has only been less than 6 hours,” Yunho pipes up from behind Hongjoong, and Mingi swats at him.

“Let them be! They waited ten years for this!” Mingi scolded, and Hongjoong laughed, Seonghwa finding himself following suit.

What happened in the past is now just something for them to look back to and learn from, and also, to laugh about as they hang out together.

“It was still, like, what, a quarter of a day, Yun,” Hongjoong pouts, as he throws himself at Seonghwa, hugging the taller’s neck, “and! This is my birthday party after all. You all ought to let me have my way for today.”

Jongho sighs exasperatedly, obviously exaggerated, as the others continuously boo them. The chorus only grows louder and more synchronized as time passes.

“Seriously? This is my party and you treat me like this. Such mean kids,” Hongjoong huffs, as he pecks Seonghwa on the cheek again, whispering a ‘I’ll be right back, sweetie!’ before sprinting towards San and Wooyoung, the two booing the loudest.

San yelps as Hongjoong jumps on them without hesitation and pinches his cheeks, and Wooyoung yells desperately as he is crushed by Hongjoong’s legs, “Hey! This is my party too, get off us!”

Seonghwa laughs, as he lets Yunho and Mingi in, and closes the door behind him. From here, he can see them all together, and his house has never felt warmer.

It felt like ten years never passed, and they are the same as always.

And in the centre of it all, is his sun, Kim Hongjoong.

Seonghwa nods to himself, content. Hongjoong is here now, with him, no longer missing.

\---

“Hey, Hwa…?” Hongjoong softly calls, as he shuffles up to Seonghwa, who was busy cleaning in the kitchen. The others were already going crazy in the living room, apparently, they were playing some sort of a card game with spiced up punishments; and no, Seonghwa is alone cleaning not because he’s too scared of whatever punishments his friends would come up with if he loses, definitely _not_. He is just a very responsible host.

“Yes, love?” Seonghwa answers, not looking up from the plate he was washing. He’s halfway through the load in the sink, he most probably will be done in another 10 minutes.

He hears Hongjoong step up to him, and feels his arms snake around his waist. Hongjoong rests his cheek on Seonghwa’s upper back, and he lets out a sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Seonghwa questions.

“I got a call,” Hongjoong mumbles heavily, “they want me back soon. I asked them to extend my break, and the longest they can get me is a month.”

Seonghwa almost freezes at the revelation and drops the plate he is holding, this worry had always been there, gnawing at him, but he forgot about it given how happy he had been today. He wills himself to hum and continue on like normal, like he isn’t bothered.

“And?”

Hongjoong pauses, as he buries his whole face in Seonghwa’s sweater. He takes a deep breath, then continues, “I’m gonna have to go again, Hwa. I’m gonna have to leave again.”

Hongjoong’s fists curl into the fabric of Seonghwa’s sweater, then he murmurs, “I’m gonna have to leave you again, but I really, _really_ don’t wanna.”

Seonghwa hums in response and washes his hands, turning off the tap and drying his hands with the cloth nearby. Dishes can wait. He turns around, leaning back against the sink, and rests his hands on Hongjoong’s waist, taking a good look at the love of his life.

Hongjoong’s eyes meet his, and Seonghwa sees the emotions swirling there in those beautiful, beautiful eyes. There is guilt, regret, and... hope.

Seonghwa knows what that hope is for.

Seonghwa sighs, and lifts a hand, caressing Hongjoong’s cheek, and the red-haired boy immediately leans into the touch, closing his eyes with a soft exhale.

The old Seonghwa would have trembled and cried for Hongjoong to not go, to not leave him alone again, but Seonghwa swears he is different now. This time, he knows he is not truly alone, even if they are far from each other, and Seonghwa swears he will not be the one holding Hongjoong back from reaching his dream.

“But you’re gonna have to,” Seonghwa says, and Hongjoong nods.

“But I’m gonna have to,” Hongjoong echoes sadly. He opens his eyes - god, how can Seonghwa ever fall out of love with him? - and meets Seonghwa’s gaze.

There is a moment of silence as they stare into each other’s eyes. Seonghwa doesn’t mind spending forever doing this.

“Come with me.”

The words tumble out of Hongjoong’s lips, and Seonghwa couldn’t control his hand from freezing where it rests on Hongjoong’s cheek.

“Come with me, Hwa. I don’t wanna be without you,” Hongjoong repeats, and then he seems to realize something, then he looks down, “- only if you want to, of course.”

“Hongjoong…”

“You have things to take care of here now, so I get it,” Hongjoong says, “it really would be ideal if you followed me to the city, I can work things out with the company and all, it won’t be a problem, but that is only if you want to.”

Seonghwa frowns, as he watches Hongjoong bow his head, then Hongjoong leans into him, resting his forehead on Seonghwa’s chest.

“I want you there- but I’m no longer that immature kid ten years ago, though,” Hongjoong says, “I won’t force you anymore, and I won’t be mad at you.”

“Joong-ah, hey,” Seonghwa says softly, tilting his chin up and making Hongjoong look at him. “I want to go too,” Seonghwa starts, and Hongjoong’s eyes light up, “-but I can’t drop everything just yet.”

Hongjoong’s eyes droop again in disappointment, as his lower lip juts out a little. Seonghwa can’t help it when he leans in and pecks his pout. “I’m still a bit scared and- and worried, but I want to take that leap,” Seonghwa continues, “-but not just yet. Soon, but not now.”

Hongjoong listens intently. Maybe if they did this that night, they wouldn’t have had to go through a decade of suffering, but Seonghwa brushes that thought off.

Those ten years apart had taught them a lot, and the fact that their feelings for each other stayed the same through those years is testament to how strong their bond is, and Seonghwa isn’t afraid anymore.

“There are things that I need to take care of now, like you said,” Seonghwa tucks a strand of hair behind Hongjoong’s ear, “like the music store, our friends, my brother.”

Hongjoong nods, and Seonghwa pulls him close, embracing him.

“But I won’t let you be alone anymore, Joong,” Seonghwa murmurs into his hair, “I won’t run away anymore- I don’t want to be scared anymore.”

“So I’ll go with you after it’s all settled, just not now,” Seonghwa continues, and Hongjoong hums, resting his ear on Seonghwa’s chest. He likes to do this; says Seonghwa’s heartbeat is his most favourite song in the world.

“Can you wait for me a little more, Hongjoong?” Seonghwa asks, “I’m sorry, I know you’re tired of waiting, but I’ll be right there with you.”

Hongjoong lets a moment of silence pass, the two of them just existing, and then he answers, truthful, “Yeah. I can.”

Seonghwa lets out a breath he doesn’t know he’s holding.

“It’ll probably be easier to sort things out with the company too, more time for me to get prepared for whatever change they’ll have me do,” Hongjoong says, laying out a logical reasoning, and Seonghwa knows it’s to ease both of their hearts and insecurities. “And I can and I _will_ wait for you, Seonghwa.”

Seonghwa smiles, kissing the top of his head. Hongjoong leans back, then tiptoes to catch Seonghwa’s lips with his own in a gentle kiss, a kiss sweeter than honey, and as sweet as Hongjoong.

“I’ll miss you when we’re apart, so hurry up, okay?” Hongjoong whispers against his lips when he pulls away, and Seonghwa pushes him forward using the hand he has on the small of Hongjoong’s back to let their lips meet again.

“Of course, love,” Seonghwa rests their foreheads together, “your wish is my command.”

Hongjoong chuckles softly, and they kiss again, not caring if anyone sees, in their own little world.

It took them ten years, but Seonghwa doesn’t mind it, if it ends like this, him sharing a kiss with Hongjoong under the dim kitchen lights, the red-haired boy still fitting perfectly in his arms.

Part of Seonghwa thinks this must be what fate feels like, and he is thankful it is Hongjoong, and no one else.

-

The group had gone completely silent in the living room, after Yeosang came sprinting back and frantically signalling them to be quiet after going to the kitchen and seeing… whatever Seonghwa and Hongjoong was having.

They sat there, in an incomplete circle in the now really messy living room, as they tried to not make any sound so that the moment the two lovebirds were having wouldn’t be broken.

Someone’s phone vibrates, and they take out their phones, opening their group chat.

‘Do you think they’re doing…?’ It’s not hard to guess what San means.

Jongho glares and San shrugs, a cheeky smile on his face. ‘They’re not that indecent,’ Jongho texts.

‘You never know,’ Yunho shoots back, verbally now, earning a punch on his arm from Jongho.

‘If they start that, we’ll just barge in and yell,’ Wooyoung suggests, and they all nod in agreement.

‘Yeah, and shove them into a room,’ Yeosang agrees.

‘Please not my room though,’ Jongho interjects.

‘Whatever it is,’ Mingi interrupts before a fight about whose room will be sacrificed begins, ‘I think they’re happy.’

The fond smiles appear on their faces without prompt.

‘I hope they are. They deserve it,’ Yeosang adds, and they nod.

‘Took them long enough, honestly,’ San jokes, and they try to hold in their chuckles.

‘It took them ten years, but all’s well ends well,’ Yunho says. ‘They’ll be okay, and we will be okay too.’

Ten years was how long it took for Seonghwa and Hongjoong to overcome themselves and unite, and they don’t doubt that forever will be how long they will last. And forever, is also how long their circle of friends will remain together.

(Or Jongho will personally knock all of their heads together - including his own - if they don’t.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **thank you for reading <3 do leave a comment so that creators know they're not posting into the void!** also hit us up on twitter if you want to scream to us about this au/ seongjoong in general! we don't bite :D  
> [starsforhwa (gillian)](https://twitter.com/starsforhwa)  
> [hwaslintroller (chloe)](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller)  
> [strawberrymarss (joy)](https://twitter.com/strawberrymarss)

**Author's Note:**

>  **thank you for reading <3 do leave a comment so that creators know they're not posting into the void!** also hit us up on twitter if you want to scream to us about this au/ seongjoong in general! we don't bite :D  
> [starsforhwa (gillian)](https://twitter.com/starsforhwa)  
> [hwaslintroller (chloe)](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller)  
> [strawberrymarss (joy)](https://twitter.com/strawberrymarss)


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